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Not nothing as in I have nothing to do...like cleaning house and being with kids and all of the other busyness that we have going on, but nothing as in I'm feeling empty.
Justin and I talk quite a bit when we lay down in bed at night. That's a special time for us that lately just hasn't been executed. We've been exhausted. And mentally, I just feel washed out. Last night, though, we did talk. I have a "friend" but at most this relationship could be a chat session in a forum or a phone call from someone who lives hundreds of miles away...even though 2 or 3 blocks literally separates our homes. So when Justin and I started talking last night, I expressed how much I long to be liked again. When I was in school, I never longed for popularity or friendship. My mom and dad had a little bit of money, and I did the cheerleading and volleyball thing, and I had FRIENDS. I went to the coolest b-day parties and my friends had the biggest and nicest houses. I know when it happened, too...when all that is now came to be.
My senior year, I decided that the boy I was "dating" was more important that anything in the world. I changed schools. I left a school that I had grown up in to finish one year somewhere else. I had worked really really hard to get good grades and to maintain where I was socially. I feel like I threw it all away to eventually have a failed 2 year marriage and a child without a father the first 2 1/2 years of her life. I can honestly say that I didn't even get invited to my 10 year class reunion. I mean, I did to the school that I actually graduated from, but not from where I call "home." Not from the adults that used to be some of my best friends.
I know this sounds like a huge pity party, and maybe that's what it needs to be. Maybe I just need to get it out so that I'm not just sulking about it so much. Justin and I have a really good marriage. He's my best friend and I honestly know that had I stayed true to God's plan that the 15 year friendship that we held onto would've much sooner been the marriage that we have today - and I would've saved my heart terrible hurt.
So...where does this leave me now? Why am I so hung up on "friendship?" I have lived here - in Oran - for almost 9 years. I have tried so very hard to fit in (which is something that is totally new to me, honestly, I don't feel like I ever had to try before). We found a church that we love, and we really thought that we would be able to build friendships there. We've tried really really hard to fit in. At our jobs...just out anywhere that we may be...and it is always in vain.
Do you know how it feels to look back and be so disappointed in what you are? That no matter how much you try, you never get invited to a BBQ or a pool party or just to come "hang out?"
Its a deep hurt. Loneliness is a devastating emotion. Justin feels it too. Sometimes I feel like when we say where we live that people think we're trashy or scummy, but we live in the third newest house in town. There are times that I feel like the "unpopularity" is spilling over to my kiddos. I remember how the not-so-popular kids were treated in school, and that's the last thing that I want for my own.
I remember as a very young teenager, I would sit in the yard swing and fantasize about what my adulthood would be like - with a husband, kids, a house and pets - and I always saw friends. Maybe that's the worst part. Perhaps I just took it for granted that friendships were easy and I never thought that other people didn't feel that way. I think a lot of times that I'm being cheated of having lunch with a friend or going shopping...and raising kids together. I always thought that I'd have those things.
This is a poem by Helen Steiner Rice that my childhood friends Lanni and Brooke gave me one summer (they lived outside of Kansas City and would come down to stay with Lanni's grandmother for summer break). So maybe this is me more than asking God - this is me pouring out my heart in hopes that He feels it is time to bless us with friends again.
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